Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
by ApparentlyRude
Summary: There is a list of 586 'things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts' and I took my thirty favourites, and made each one into a drabble of anywhere between 100 and 1500 words. The link to the real list will be up in my profile.
1. Lucky Charms

**1. Seamus is NOT after me Lucky Charms**

Harry was sitting quietly at the breakfast table, nothing amiss, nothing special going on, just eating a bowl of his favorite cereal, when a certain Irishman stepped into the Great Hall. Harry became antsy, fidgeting in his seat, trying to keep Seamus in his view for as long as possible. He knew he probably looked stupid but he couldn't seem to care right now.

He was trying to protect the most important thing to him right now. What it was, he would not mention it to anyone, but it was extremely important. He ignored the stares that Hermione was giving him in favor of making Seamus sit directly in front of him.

The clueless said nothing about this, only giving Harry a small look of 'WTF' before reaching toward Harry for something that was on the table.

Suddenly Harry was up in a flash, scattering things all about. He glared at Seamus and started to scream incoherent things at the boy, who was sadly, cowering in fear.

The rest of the people in the Hall stared, and wondered what was going to happen next. They were sitting on the edge of their seats. After all, it wasn't everyday that you saw the great Harry Potter freak out. Well, it was, but it almost never was on one of his housemates, the exception being his friends.

Hermione knew nothing of what was going on and tried to force Harry back. He was practically crawling over the table, and literally growling, to get to the Irishman.

"HARRY! What is the matter with you!"

Harry said nothing, opting instead to grab the box of cereal in front of him screaming the entire time.

"SHEAMUS IS AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!"

He even had an Irish accent to make it better.

The people in the Hall just _stared_ before going back to their breakfast acting as if nothing had happened.

Half an hour later, in class Harry came in ten minutes late holding the same box of cereal and muttering to himself, "Seamus is not after me Lucky Charms. Seamus is not after me Lucky Charms. Seamus is not after me Lucky Charms."

Nobody said anything.

Common Courtesy was to never mention it again, and that was exactly what was going to happen.

Or wasn't. Your pick.

Done.


	2. Horseybird

**2. I will not refer to the hippogriff as "horseybird."**

Draco Malfoy loved books. What five year old wouldn't? They were fully of pretty pictures, few words, and sometimes, they didn't have color in them, but his mother told him he could color the pictures himself. Those were his favorite types. Even at the age of fifteen he still loved coloring books, but no one else knew that, and that was was the way it was going to stay.

Currently, he was laying on his stomach in bed coloring in one of his books, when he heard people stumbling into the dorms. He quickly transfigured the book into a pillow, one of the many that littered his bed, and pretended to take a nap. He hoped and prayed that he wouldn't be disturbed, when the curtains were flung back and Blaise stood there, grinning at him.

"Get up Draco, we're going to be late for class."

"I don't care. That slimy little git can die for all I care."

"Draco, that's no way to talk about our Head of house. Besides I thought you loved potions. Hell, last year weren't you going to become a Potions Master?"

"Not if it makes my hair look like that I'm not."

Blaise laughed and pulled him up trying to get him to go to class.

Three hours later, Draco and Blaise were making their way out of their potions class, both griping about their Head of House, who had made Blaise and Ron have to redo their potions. In detention later that night.

They headed down towards Hagrid's cabin talking about everything and nothing, not paying attention to where they were going. They pushed people out of their way and kept going, not caring if the people who fell got hurt or not. It was of no concern to them. It wasn't their fault that people didn't stay out of their way. The idiots should have been smarter.

They stood near the pumpkin patch, continuing to talk about the latest scandal of Hogwarts. It had something to do with Susan Bones and some idiot named Michael Corner getting caught naked in an alcove by Filch.

Hagrid came out of his hut and beckoned them to follow him. It was like deja vu. The same thing had happened to them during third year when they went to meet the Hippogriff who tore up Draco's arm. Well, his father took care of that idiot bird.

"Draco, this seems extremely familiar don't you think?"

Blaise nudged him with his elbow and Draco grinned. They had quite a laugh about that stupid half horse half bird thing...what was his name again?

Well, In any case it didn't matter at the moment.

What mattered at the moment, was that Draco was trying to recall the last time he had seen a hippogriff, and recalled that it had been third year. He then decided to recall the first time he had seen a hippogriff, which had in fact not been live. No. That was the second time he had seen the animal. He was seven then. His mother had pleaded him not to go out to the paddock, but he had had a tantrum to end all tantrums. And that included to time his Aunt Gracielle had visited, and brought her pet Grindylow.

_Draco stood at the edge of the paddock and stared wide eyed, as his mother rushed after him, screaming for him to get back in the house. He paid her no mind, and climbed into the paddock, ruining his clothes, which his mother paddled him for later._

_Crawling low in the high grass, he attempted to search out his favorite animal : A Hippogriff._

_He looked around, and pouted, not immediately finding the animal he was looking for. He was about to give up, when he heard a shrill noise in the distance, that sounded like a bird, but different. He raced off, running at full speed towards the location of the noise. It must have been the animal he desperately sought. His mother rushed after him all the more, ignoring all pretense of being pureblood and above such menial things as running._

"_Draco! Draco Abraxas Malfoy you get back here now!"_

_The small blonde ignored her and ran towards the noises. Soon, he had it in his sights. The thing he had been looking for since he saw it in the book. When he got to the clearing, he saw them. There were five of them. Two large ones, and three small ones, who were running around trying to catch each others tails. Draco stopped, and watched in wonder, his favorite animal in the magical world was less than fifty feet in front of him. He was about to walk toward them when his mother came forward, and caught him around the waist._

"_Draco! Mummy said not to go here without Misty or another to supervise you. Why didn't you listen to her?"_

_She started to carry him away, and Draco started to scream and cry. Narcissa froze as she heard a trilling noise behind her. Heavy wind beat against her back as the two larger Hippogriffs in the clearing noticed the mother and child, and rose into the air. They hovered for a while, and Narcissa froze in her place. She slowly turned toward the two creatures, and dropped immediately to her knees, casting a silencing charm on her son._

_Hoping that nothing bad would happen, Narcissa looked up, and noticed the two parent Hippogriffs starting to lower back to the ground. They tilted their heads at her, and she slowly got up, and backed away, not once looking up, until she was out of site of the clearing. Then she turned and ran back toward the fence, opening the gate and rushing out, locking it again, then calling Remy to help her and Draco back to the house. His mother gave him a firm paddling, that day. One he was not soon to forget._

Draco looked at Blaise, and said, "Knock it off you idiot."

Blaise chuckled and continued walking behind the giant oaf toward where he was taking them.

Making sure no one heard him Draco said under his breath, "Horseybird," before following the dark skinned boy.


	3. Hairball

**3. I will not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.**

"Today In Transfiguration, we will be learning about Animagi, and Human Transfiguration and it's affects on the mind and body."

Harry stared at McGonagall and let out an excited noise. They would finally be learning about one more thing that would/could connect him to his father, and the rest of the Marauders. It was slightly scary. He wasn't sure if he was ready to learn yet, or whether or not he could handle the responsibility.

"Everyone take out a quill and parchment, and start taking notes."

There was a collective shuffling as the students took out a sheet of parchment and rummaged around their bags looking for a spare quill. With a wave of her wand, chalk began to write on the board of it's own accord. She frowned, and then the eraser took form, and erased a few things, before putting new sentences in its place.

"Read and copy these, and then we will begin."

There was a rustling of paper, and then the scratching of quills on parchment. A few minutes later, it was silent, as the class waited for their professor to go on.

Before she could though, Ron fall out of his chair. He and Harry had been pushing each other lightly, and saying, "You do it!"

McGonagall sighed, and said, "What are you two doing now?"

"Well, Miss, Harry was wondering something... And he wanted me to ask you. But I don't think I should," The red head said as he stood up, dusting himself off, trying to act like people weren't staring and laughing at him.

"Does it have to deal with Transfiguration Mr. Weasley?"

Ron coughed and glared back at Harry, Hermione, Seamus, Dean, and Neville, who was making a shooing motion with his hands.

"Sort of ma'am. Well, you see my house mates were wondering if...while in cat form, you've ever ya know, coughed up a hairball?"

McGonagall glared at him, and turned read, and told him to get back to his seat. The entire class was laughing, and after they quieted, she said, "Mr. Weasley, you mother will be getting a letter, and you and all of your male housemates, will be serving Detention with me after dinner in the trophy room. You will be scrubbing them until they shine."

Harry, Hermione, and the rest of the Gryffindor part of the class sighed, as Harry said, "So worth it."


	4. Sing For The Wizard

**I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.**

Neville grimaced, and began trotting up the stairs once more. Two seconds before, the staircase moved him to the wrong portrait. So he had to wait five minutes for it to switch back. He had an important mission to take care of, and he wanted to get it done before curfew. He hated Mrs. Norris, especially after that time she got him a minute after curfew in fourth year, and he had to stay for a three hour detention with Filch. It was horrendous. He got to the portrait, said the password, and then lumbered through, looking for a certain person in particular.

"Harry, Dean told me, that Seamus told him, that Cormac McLaggen told him to tell me to tell you that Dumbledore want's to see you in his office right away."

Harry sat in the plushie chairs by the fire dumbfounded.

"What?" HE said, looking genuinely confused.

Neville sighed, "Dumbledore want's to see you in his office. Now."

Harry jumped up, and was out of the portrait hole in a matter of seconds.

All in all, Harry was not a happy camper. He had to go see professor Dumbledore again. He understood that sixth year was important, and that he had stuff to do, but jeez, lay off for a week or two. He continued on his way, taking his sweet time, when a tune suddenly came to his head. He laughed out loud before he started to whistle it, which turned to humming it, which turned into him singing it as softly as he could.

"_We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.."_

Smiling to himself as he sang, Harry continued on his way to the elderly wizard's office, wondering if anyone besides Hermione would get the song reference. He would have to tell her later.


	5. Muggle Magic

**I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class**

Hermione giggled, trying to keep her head down. She didn't want to get noticed right away, so he covered the giggle with a cough, and went on writing her paper. Fifteen more minutes, and she would be on to Divination. A.k.a., the most useless class in existence. She scratched the last word, and spelled the ink dry, before rolling it up, tying it with a piece of periwinkle ribbon, and handed it in to Professor Flitwick.

She went back to her seat, put her things away, and started to watch the clock, paying no mind to her two best friend who were beginning to stare at her funnily.

"Hermione, are you trying to make the clock fall?" Harry said, watching his bushy haired friend closely. She was behaving strangely today, and he couldn't figure out why.

"I'm fine Harry, just can't wait for next lesson."

"'Mione, next lesson is Divination, which you hate," Ron pointed out, trying to figure the girl out.

"Oh, right," She said, trying to look put out, but doing a horrible job of it.

The bell suddenly rang, and Hermione was the first out of her seat, having already packed up her stuff, and fled the Charms classroom like it was diseased. The two boys looked at each other, shrugged, and packed up their stuff before heading after their friend. They had ten minutes to get to class, and they were going to take their sweet time about it too, seeing as they didn't like Divination either.

They got to the trap door of Professor Trelawney's classroom, and climbed up the stairs, being careful not to step on the fingers of the person behind them. Hermione was already in her seat, looking like she was about to wet herself with joy. The two boys sat down next to her, putting a little more space between her and them than usual, and waited for class to begin.

Trelawney started, and as soon as she began speaking, Hermione took something out of her bag, some dark round thing, with a flat edge, and set it on the corner of her desk. People looked, and were wary, but said nothing, knowing that the Granger girl wouldn't bring something harmful in the school. Professor Trelawney began to speak, which only Lavender Brown, and Parvati Patil took seriously.

"Read your fortunes everyone, read them to your partner, ask them questions, seek the realm of the beyond, and answer them using your inner eye. Go now."

Harry and Ron and Hermione paired up, and read over their fortunes quickly, wanting a little goof off time in class.

"Hermione," Harry said, "You will have to make an important wardrobe this week, about red and green, which will give you two outcomes. Think carefully."

Hermione giggled, and reached for the round thing on her desk. She turned it so that the flat part was facing her, and said aloud, "Should I wear my green socks tomorrow or not?" She then proceeded to shake the little black things, and then looked down. "Damn, 'outlook not so good'. I really did want to wear those tomorrow too. They keep my toes warm. Perfect for December in the castle."

"Mione, you didn't."

"Didn't what Harry?"

"Bring something that stupid to Hogwarts."

"Well, I did. It'll serve me better in predicting my fuuture better than that fraud ever could, so why not?"

"I don't get it," Ron interjected, "What is that thing?"

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, and laughed, "That Ronald," The brown haired girl said, "Is a Magic Eight Ball."

Looking at each other, Harry and Hermione laughed, drawing attention from the other students, though thankfully not the Professor.

Ron looked put out as he said, "What did I say?"

This only caused his two friends to start laughing even harder. When they calmed down, Hermione said, "Divination tool Ronald, muggle made. We'll tell you about it later after lunch."


	6. Boss

**I will not under any circumstances ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.**

"HEY! Malfoy! Drop him, he's only a first year," Harry said as he rounded a corner, immediately spotting his school enemy hassling some first year.

Draco Malfoy looked like he wanted to kick something, preferably Potter, but the first year in his grasp would do as an adequate substitute. He was small, dark haired, pale skinned, and really scrawny. He wouldn't fight back, which was a shame, but that also meant he wouldn't tell.

"Look potter, mind your own damn business okay?"

"This is my business."

"Since when?" Draco asked sneering all the while.

"Since you started to be more of a prick than usual. Especially to those younger than you."

Draco glared harder, and sneered some more saying, "Potter. Go away, this has nothing to do with you."

"Let him go an I will."

"You can't tell me what to do."

Yes I can. Now put him down."

"Who died and made you boss you little twat?"

Suddenly Harry lunged, and knocked Draco to the ground effectively making him drop the first year, who ran like a bat out of hell. The dark haired boy landed punch after punch to the blonde's face and body, literally trying to beat the life out of him.

"Fuck you Malfoy. You and your death-eater father can rot in hell."

Three hours later, when Draco was released from the hospital, nursing an extremely bruised face, he thought back to his comment about dying, and declared that even though it had slipped out without him thinking about it, it was totally worth it.


	7. Padawan

**Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda**

Harry and Ron were talking in the middle of the Gryffindor Common Room talking about anything and everything muggle. They talked about soccer, and television, and movies, one movie in particular. Of all the movies in the world, Ron had to be hooked on 'Star Wars'.

"Come _on_ Harry, Flitwick would be perfect for the role."

"Ron. You do realize what you're saying right? What you're implying about your _girlfriend's_ favorite professor?"

"Well, yeah, of course, but she'll get it. I mean, she likes those movies right?"

"This is Hermione we're talking about here."

"Right. Either way, I stand by my statement. Flitwick would be great for Yoda."

"Whatever you say Ron. Whatever you say."


	8. Damn Fleas

**Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar**

"Hey, Remus, got a problem?"

For the fifth time in two days, Siruis caught his friend scratching randomly at himself. The logical one of the group glared and shook his head. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but he knew he had to find a solution to his problem.

"Look, Siri, there is nothing wrong with me. I'm just fine."

"I don't think so. Looks to me like you've got–"

"Don't you _dare_ say it."

"Say what?"

"You know what!"

"What that you've got–"

"SIRIUS! I swear to –"

"FLEAS! Remus Lupin has fleas." Sirius gave Remus a mischievous look, and took off through the dorms, screaming for all he was worth that Remus had fleas. James laughed his head off, as did Peter. Remus pushed them off the bed and sat there scratching some more.

"Oi! Shut your trap!"

James looked at Sirius and Peter and grinned. He grabbed his wand and pointed it at a bracelet that was laying on the ground, and transfigured it.

"Oh Remus!" James singsonged, "Here, thought you might need this," He handed it to the werewolf.

Remus took the transfigured object and threw it at James.

"I DO NOT NEED A FLEA COLLAR YOU IDIOT!"


	9. Feast of Fools

**9. First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy**

Draco smiled deviously at the first year Hufflepuff, and motioned for the small brown haired boy to follow him. He wondered if anyone was going to stop him. He doubted it. Ever since he had discovered what was in third floor corridor on the right side, he had been waiting to pull a prank on someone. Everette McKinney was the perfect person. Gryffindors were no fun, Slytherins didn't trust him, – they didn't trust anyone – and Ravenclaws were too smart to go anywhere near him.

"Everette, I wanted to show you something, a plant of some sort, and I wanted to know if you could identify it for me."

The Hufflepuff looked up in surprise, "Sure Malfoy, whatever you need."

"Good, follow me."

Everette walked behind Malfoy, who lead him to the third floor corridor. He was talking about random plants when he ran into the back of Malfoy, who didn't notice it.

"Potter, what do you want?"

"None of your business, but I know what you want, and it's not happening."

"Oh come on! You can't say you don't want to."

"Actually I can Malfoy. Come on Everette, I'll take you back to safety away from this idiot." He took Everette's arm, and lead him back down from where they came. Right before they turned the corner, Harry looked back at a pouting Malfoy, and said, "Final warning Malfoy, first years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy."

Malfoy glared and said, "Twat," before turning and walking away. He would get it next time.


	10. Visitor

**10. I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month"**

"Lupin. Here is your Wolfsbane. Take it and leave."

"Thank you Severus."

"Yes, well, you have what you want, now get out. I have better things to look after."

Remus nodded, and turned around. Snape never was any good at being nice, but Remus knew he meant well. He was a massive teddy bear when he knew someone was in need of help. He smileed and pushed open the door, turning back to say thank you one more time. When he looked at Snape, the man had just opened his mouth.

"Do not thank me again. I've helped Lily many a time when it was her time of the month too." Snape smirked, and pushed Remus out of the door, leaving the mouse haired man in shock.


	11. Gotta Catch 'Em All

**11. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals**

Harry sat at the breakfast table squirming around and waiting for the morning post. He kept looking up at the eaves where the owls came through, and was starting to attract attention. His friends payed him no mind, already used to his weird ways. This was certainly nothing new to them.

He almost cheered when he finally heard the trills of the owls that signaled their arrival. Hedwig flew in down, and landed on the table in front of him. She held out her leg so he could take the small package from her.

Once it was free, he gave Hedwig a bite of dry toast, and stroked her wing. She nipped his hand affectionately, and flew off to the Owlery to rest her wings. Hermione and Ron were skeptical of him, and scooted a little farther away, almost squishing Seamus and Dean in the process.

"Uhm, Harry, what is that?"

"Nothing Mione."

"Harry," She said sternly, "What is that."

"It's really nothing Hermione. Let it go."

She didn't want to, but she had to, seeing as there was nothing she could do about whatever it was she was hiding.

The bell rang, and they headed to their first class of the day.

As they walked down to Hagrid's hut, Harry seemed to get more and more giddy the closer they got. He took the small package he had received earlier out of his pocket, and unwrapped it. Hermione looked closer, and noticed that it was a deck of cards. She sighed, and walked ahead, not wanting any part of Harry's gambling.

They kept walking toward the grounds until they reached Hagrid, who was looking extremely pleased with himself.

"Today, we'll be looking at something everyone will enjoy. Baby Kneazles." At this, Hagrid smiled, and motioned to a box. "In this box, there are thirty Kneazles, each of you will raise one for the rest of the school year. This is your final project for the semester. Line up, and pick out your new companions. No pushing Lavender."

Harry smiled, and watched Hagrid walk away. He followed him, and took out the deck of cards. He dropped them on the ground near Hagrid's hut, and walked away.

Ten minutes later, Harry had his Kneazle, and was playing with it in the grass when Hagrid came over to him.

"Harry, can I speak to you for a moment?"

"Sure," Harry said, trying to his his smile.

"Thanks. Well, you see, a few minutes ago, I found this on the ground." He showed Harry the deck of cards, which looked extremely small in his large hands. "And you see, I wanted to know what they were. I looked through them, and they looked to be creatures. What are they?"

"Well, those are Pokemon cards. They're like chocolate frog cards, but with creatures on them. They're Japanese. Everyone has them. The creatures are called 'Pokemon' and they come in these little ball type containers. There's one hundred and fifty of them. Where did you get them, they're a muggle things."

"Somewhere," Hagrid said evasively, "Are they uh, … are they real?"

"Yeah, they're only legal in Japan though, which is why you never see them anywhere else."

"Oh, well, that's...er, nice."

"Yup. I'm going to get back to Snowflake now."

Hagrid nodded, and looked through the cards again.


	12. Badgers and Snakes

**12. I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches**

Ron and harry were sitting in the stands of the Quidditch pitch, watching the match. It was Slytherin versus Hufflepuff, and though it was an exciting match, it wasn't a nail-biter like the matches between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Harry stood up, sure that Hufflepuff had the quaffle, but he was wrong. Slytherin's main chaser stole it and raced up the pitch heading toward the other goal posts.

He searched the crowd, spotting the snitch before Malfoy or Cedric could. Harry looked at Ron and smiled. Ron laughed and they both counted to three. At three, they both started shouting at the top of their lungs and belted out the same song.

"Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM.

Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!"

Hermione and Luna joined in yelling, "SNAAAAAKE SNAAAAAKE!"

Everyone around them just looked and laughed, pointing at the four of them. Wondering what they hell they were doing.


	13. Tattoo

**13. When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.**

Harry and Ron tried, and failed, to stifle a giggle. They sat next to a completely knackered who had spent last night with Filch in detention until one thirty in the morning. He was dead asleep, and harry and Ron decided to take advantage of that. They each took out a marker and began to lightly draw on Seamus's arm. Suddenly Ron stopped and scrunched up his face.

"What's wrong?"

"The snakey fang thing. I think I messed it up."

Harry sighed, and put down his marker, "Ron, no one is going to notice the messed up tooth. We don't have time to fix it. We don't know how long until Seamus wakes up."

Ron looked skeptical, but agreed, and finished drawing his part. Harry finished his too, and put his marker away while Ron spelled the marker ink dry. They smiled, trying to keep their laughing to a minimum. Harry mumbled a spell with his wand pointed at Seamus's arm, and looked away.

"Harry, what did you do?"

"I made it so it wouldn't wear off or come clean for at least twenty four hours. I'm going to enjoy this. That last one Seamus did nearly killed me."

"Harry, it was a slug."

"Ronald. It was three thousand four hundred seventy nine slugs, and they were crawling all over me, and my bed, which had been turned into a slug habitat, complete with fruit for the slug to nibble on."

"Right. It was a good one though. I guess that's what you get for giving his underwear to Colin Creevey and saying they were yours."

"Yeah, but now he's dating Creevey, and he knows slugs scare the shit out of me."

"Fine. If you don't stop complaining, I'm going to start calling you Harry-Bear again." Ron said with an evil look.

"Fuck. You."

They looked back at Seamus and noticed that he had just woken up. He rubbed the back of his head, and looked around him. He spotted Ron and Harry, and gave them a sleepy smile.

"Class over yet?" He asked.

"Nearly," Harry and Ron said.

To them class couldn't get over fast enough, they wanted to hear all the rumors that came about from Seamus's new _tattoo_.

**_kjsagsajioajkd aigaqireogjd ga[iewjf[isdf djanpwtq[wtqu9843[tuig a['kdmkcnvfghqiot943ut5q[ _**

So, this is what happened. No one told my that the wedding I told you I had to go to was out of state. They also didn't tell me that I would be gone for three days either. SORRY about that, I got back really late last night, and was too tired to do more than fall asleep on my couch. Anywho, I will be replacing the author's note with this chapter, and uploading Sunday, Monday, and Today's stories periodically through out the day. So, again, sorry about that, I will get back to writing now.

Lilith G. Astroll


	14. What It Does

**14. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.**

Goyle was never very good at school, but, he did know a lot of things. He knew that Draco Malfoy was a monumental cunt after he fought with Harry Potter. He knew that Crabbe was really smart at school related things. And he knew about dark magic. It would probably surprise people, how much he knew. The only things he didn't know, was how to do the counter curses. He didn't see the need to know them.

That's why in Defense Against The Dark Arts, he had an average grade. He looked around the classroom, and noted a few things. Chalk was writing something on the board, Potter was passing notes back and forth with Draco, which was unusual, and the teacher was staring at him again.

"Mr. Goyle. What does the Avada Kedavra do? How can you tell what it is? What color is it? Where does it originate from?"

He couldn't comprehend the rapid fire questioning, and said loudly the first thing that came to his head, "It does death sir!"

The entire class laughed, and Goyle put his head down, trying to block out the other student's laughter.


	15. New Life

**15. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.**

_Harry was not having a good time. Who would if they were strapped to some guy's grave stone being cut open by some megalomaniac who was out for your life because of some crack pot 'Seer' had a drunken night out and thought it meant something._

_He looked up at the snake face that was leering back at him. He stopped listening to Voldemort's 'plan' and looked down at his shoes. Shit, he was going to have to buy brand new trainers. These ones were all muddy and torn up. Not good for his feet, which were dainty and slender._

_He snapped his head back up, hearing his name fall from Voldemort's lips._

"_DUDE! He yelled, Get a _life_!" He didn't mean to say it, he really didn't, and as soon as he said it, he regretted it._

Sitting up in bed, Harry's heart was pounding.

"Ron!" He half yelled, half whispered. "Ron wake up! You'll never believe the dream I just had.!"


	16. Emril

**Its not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" every time I apparate.**

"See you later guys!"

"HARRY!" Hermione yelled, "Use the floo this time."

"But Hermione.." Harry whined, "I don't want to/ It's boring."

"Harry James Potter, you are thirty two years old, with a husband and kids, use the floo, or you'll wake up my kids, and I'll be mad."

"Fine. I'll use the floo."

Harry walked over to the Fire place, and grabbed a handful of floo powder, and turned to look at Hermione with a sad look on his face.

She looked sternly back at him, not budging on her stance.

"I guess I'll see you later Hermione," Harry said. He stepped into the fireplace, and looked back at her. "Oh, and Mione?"

"What?"

"BAM!"

Harry disapparated quickly before she could throw something at him.


	17. Flames

**17. It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor**

"At the beginning of this lesson, what did I tell the class?" Snape said, looming over Potter with an ugly sneer on his face that everyone in the castle knew quite well.

"Ten points from the person for ever ounce of mandrake root they wasted, Sir."

"How many did you waste?"

Draco watched from across the classroom as Snape berated the other house for Potter's stupidity.

"Thirteen ounces sir."

"Thirteen. My, that's hefty. How many points did you just lose your house Potter? Say it aloud for the rest of the class."

Snape turned around, and put his hand behind his back, going to examine Draco's potion, which was perfect in every way.

"One hundred thirty, Sir."

The Gryffindor side of the classroom groaned in unison, and glared at Snape, who was being an arse today.

"That's it. Well, no reason to delay is there Potter, One hundred thirty points from Gryffindor for wasting potions materials."

Draco couldn't help it and jumped up, "BURN!" He yelled.

Snape just glared at him and motioned for him to sit down again, ignoring his outburst.


	18. Calculus

**18. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.**

Hermione was for the first time ever, running late. She grabbed her books, and stuffed them into her bag, not even looking at them. There wasn't time, so she just grabbed all of them and rushed to her Arithmancy class. Hopefully the professor would cut her some slack, seeing as she was never late.

Racing through the common room, she turned left and headed down three flights of stairs, noting that she was the only one left in the hallways. Running, she got to her classroom seven minutes later, and waited outside the classroom two minutes until her heart stopped racing.

She knocked and opened the door, apologizing for being late and took her seat. She was only late by fifteen or so minutes, so they weren't too far ahead. She took out a sheaf of parchment and a quill, charming the quill to write twice as fast so as to get the notes on the board written down before they were erased. She never got notes from anybody. They could have missed something important, and she couldn't have that.

"Please take out your books, and turn to page two hundred sixty three."

Hermione nodded, and dug through her bag looking for her book. Not finding it, she searched again, and again, though the only thing even related to Arithmancy was her muggle calculus book. She started to panic. Suddenly someone on her left took her book and began to look through it.

"What the hell is this?"

"It's a muggle calculus book Mandy, and I would very much appreciate you putting it down. I don't want your chocolate stained fingers on it."

"What's that?"

"Muggle math. Really complicated stuff, if you get it wrong, the book burns your fingers," Hermione said, trying to scare the girl into putting it down.

Not taking a chance with it, Mandy put it down hastily, sitting back down in her seat telling anyone who would listen that Granger brought a muggle torture device, called calculus, into the school.

By the end of class, people were avoiding Hermione like the plague, hoping not to get burned by the calculus.

* * *

><p>This didn't turn out quite like I wanted, but I was busy today, and this is what I came up with. School is going to start on August 25th, but I promise to finish this before I take a break. After that, I'll put up a poll about what I should focus on next. You'll have an update for Red Crayons hopefully Monday, but maybe Wednesday at the latest.<p>

Ciao,

Lilith G. Astroll


	19. Tolkien

**19. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental**

"Ron, there is no correlation."

The red head looked dubious, and shook his head.

"That's where you're wrong. They look exactly the same. I'll show you."

Harry sighed, Ron had taken this way too far. They were both part of the Auror Research Team, and they had to research muggle things for this case. Ron was just a little over zealous, much like his father.

"You've shown this to me hundreds of times."

"Then why don't you get it yet?"

"You're crazy. There is no way that Dementors and the Nazgul from Lord Of The Rings are even remotely related."

"I'm telling you Harry, the Tolkien guy was a wizard."


	20. Courageous Eh

**Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled 'FireWhiskey'**

**Charming the label does not change anything.**

Harry smirked as he looked at the new first years. It was two weeks into the semester, and they were already starting to crack under the pressure. He knew that he probably shouldn't do what he was about to, but it seemed like a hell of a lot of fun.

"OI! Mathews, come here a minute."

The first year boy squeaked. Being addressed by Harry Potter, was apparently something to squeak over.

"Yes, uhm, Mr. Potter?"

"I want you to do me a favor?"

"Ok!" Said the over enthusiastic Gryffindor.

"I've got this bottle, a small bottle, of Gryffindor Courage, and I need you to drink it for me?"

"Yeah!" Mathews said, "Sure, anything for you Harry."

The Older Gryffindor smiled charmingly, and handed the eleven year old the bottle.

"You have to drink it right now," Harry said, trying to keep a smirk from forming on his face.

Mathews unscrewed the cap and sniffed it, before shrugging and tipping it back.

Before he could though, they both heard, "HARRY JAMES POTTER! What do you think you're doing!"

"Awww 'Mione!"

"No, don't you dare 'Mione' me Harry. Do you realize how much trouble you're in?"

Harry had the gall to look sheepish. "Well, it's not what you think...it's Gryffindor Courage."

"No Harry, it's Firewhiskey, and charming the label doesn't change anything."


	21. Toadly

**21. I will not refer to Umbridge as the "Toad Overlord"**

Hermione sighed at her two best friend's antics. Sometimes, she wondered if she had gone mad over the years as a direct result of being in their presence for the past seven or eight years. It wasn't like she didn't enjoy their company, on the contrary, she loved being their friend very much. It was just days like these, when she wished he had friends of a girlier sort.

"I've got one! How about Madame Toad?" Ron laughed, continuing with his and Harry's competition to make as many names for the most hated Defense teacher in all of Hogwarts.

"No, no," Harry said, laughing like a loon, "Mistress Toad."

Hermione couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up in her throat.

"I've got a better one," She said.

The other two looked at her, knowing that she only contributed when she had a really good one.

"How about, the Toad Overlord!" She dissolved in a fit of giggles, just like her two friends, not even able to take a sip of butterbeer for a long time.

She smiled afterward, listening to her two friends come up with even more ridiculous names as they went along.


	22. Salad

**22. I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"**

Ah, Herbology, it was the one time where Neville shined. He wasn't any good at Defense, or Transfiguration, or anything else. But he was amazing here. Right up with Hermione in grades too, though only under her by a point or two. He smiled, and waited for class to begin. Soon, his wish was granted, and Professor Sprout began to speak, she was soon interrupted by Ron and Harry. Whatever this was, it couldn't have been good.

"Professor, Harry and I have recently discovered something we think you'll like."

"We were wondering," Ron said, "If we could just have your attention AHEM!"

"Attack of the killer tomatoes!  
>Attack of the killer tomatoes!<br>They'll beat you, bash you,  
>Squish you, mash you<br>Chew you up for brunch  
>And finish you off for dinner or lunch!"<p>

Ron started, and then let Harry take over, alternating in between verses, getting louder and louder as they went along.

"They're marching down the halls  
>They're crawling up the walls<br>They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy  
>Rotten to the core<br>They're standing outside your door!"

"Remember Herman Farbage  
>While taking out his garbage<br>He turned around and he did see  
>Tomatoes hiding in his tree<br>Now he's just a memory!"

"I know I'm going to miss her  
>A tomato ate my sister<br>Sacramento fell today  
>They're marching into San Jose<br>Tomatoes are on their way!"

"The mayor is on vacation  
>The governor's fled the nation<br>The police have gone on strike today  
>The National Guard has run away<br>Tomatoes will have their day!" Ron belted out, being as loud as possible, not caring if he was off key.

"Attack of the killer tomatoes!  
>Attack of the killer tomatoes!<br>They'll beat you, bash you,  
>Squish you, mash you<br>Chew you up for brunch  
>And finish you off for dinner or lunch<br>Lunch, lunch  
>Dinner or lunch, lunch, lunch<br>Dinner or luuuuuunch!"

They finished together theatrically, bowing to stunned looks, and then said, "Well, aren't you going to start class?"


	23. James Bond Style

**23. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.**

Darting around corners was hard. And annoying, especially when you caught your shoulder on one of the stupid things. It hurt, and there was no way to fix it unless he wanted to stop running. He couldn't stop. Cormac McLaggen was taking Hermione somewhere, and Harry somewhere, and he wanted to know where that somewhere was.

The noises in the hallway were creeping him out a little, and he started to hum to keep him from freaking out. Pretty soon, he was humming some music from a James bond movie. He smiled, and started to hum louder, creating his own spy music as he followed Cormac and Hermione.


	24. Something Blue

**24. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.**

Hermione wanted to smack her two best friends. They were idiots, and they had finally reached a new low. Even though she didn't particularly like Kreacher, she was still against this type of treatment.

"Harry James Potter! Ronald Billius Weasley! You come here. RIGHT. NOW."

The two men came in from the kitchen, and somehow had the gall to look sheepish.. They smiled when they saw Kreacher and ducked when the house elf threw a pen knife at them. They glared at it, and then looked up at their female friend.

"Fix this right now. Kreacher is not a Smurf, not even if you paint him blue."


	25. Influences

**25. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts. **

**-Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.**

Harry sighed, and handed in his paper to Professor McGonagall his paper. She didn't look at it, and kept on grading the quizzes from last week. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and a load of other students had come back to eighth year, and in the last few weeks of school, they had to write a paper, stating who had been a major influence in their school career, Harry just wrote a bunch of nonsense, like Ron, and was done with it.

_**-randomcrapaboutthisstory-randomcrapaboutthisstory-randomcrapaboutthisstory-randomcrapaboutthisstory-**_

Minerva McGonagall had put up with a lot in her years as a Hogwarts teacher. She had put up with The Weasley lines, the Malfoy lines, the Potter lines, and everyone else. But she had never encountered a more idiotic paper in her life, not even the Weasley Twins topped this one. And that was saying something. She shook her head, and continued reading.

"_...I guess the people I would say have had the biggest influence on me as a student here at Hogwarts would have to be Fred Weasley, George Weasley, and maybe, Voldemort. Yeah, those three would be it. Fred and George because they were always in a good mood, and really accepting, and knew how to make even Snape smile on occasion. Voldemort, was me entire reason for coming to this place. Plus, you would probably be dead if not for me. I'm also the good guy, so I had to have a bad guy counterpart right?"_

Sighing, Minerva turned the paper over and shook her head.

"Ten points to Gryffindor for pure cheek Potter."


	26. Seriously

**26. It is a mad idea to tell Professor McGonagall that she takes herself too seriously**

Hermione was having a really tough time with trying to convince Harry and Ron that what they were about to do was stupid. Expulsion-type-stupid. But they would have none of it.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," She said, handing them her textbook. She was going to let her friends borrow it, because they left theirs inside the boy's dorms.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

The two smiled and went in search of their next class. Transfiguration.

Their professor was already there, sitting at her desk and grading papers that she was no doubt about to give back to them.

Harry and Ron smiled devilishly to each other and started whispering things about Quidditch. They weren't talking about Quidditch for any reason other than to catch their professor's attention, and indeed five minutes later, she had it.

"Boys, would you like to share what you were talking about with the rest of the class?"

Harry nudged Ron, who's smile dropped, purposely, and he said, "Well professor, we were thinking of vacationing spots... for you because Harry is worried about you, and well, he confided with me and he said well... He thinks you take yourself too seriously Ma'am." The ginger boy said, the tips of his ears turning all shades of red before settling on a bright pinkish color that matched the heat rising to his face.

The class burst out in a fit of giggles and if Ron had dared to look up, he would have seen McGonagall's face drain of color and her eyes light up with anger.

**Later in detention**

"Still worth it?" Harry asked.

"Totally worth it." Ron answered, the tips of his ears going pink again.


	27. I Challenge You, To A Duel

**I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions.**

"Ready?" Harry asked, signaling to the rest of the DA, and a few others, that it was time to start. He looked over toward the entrance to the corridor leading to the Gryffindor portrait, and whistled loudly, attracting the attention of many students milling about. Most of them were in on Harry's plot, and though they didn't understand it, they agreed because, well, he's Harry fricken Potter that's why.

Harry watched as Colin Creevey ran around the corner, and up to the painting of Sir Cadogan, and leaned down with his palms on his knees panting as if he had raced three times around the pitch on foot.

"Mr. Sir Cadogan Sir!" He panted, being as theatrical as possible, knowing that the painting was eating it all up. "I've just gotten word that the student's have formed a group. The knight's who say Ni, and anyone who says Ni wants to challenge you to a duel!"

Sir Cadogan puffed up his chest and said loudly, "SCURVY BASTARDS! Come and meet your DOOM!"

Harry clapped his hands a few seconds later, and a chorus of 'Ni's!' rose up and met Sir Cadogan, 'challenging' him.

The knight, for his part yelled a battle cry and called those who said 'Ni!' to stop being cowards and face their DOOM.

For the rest of the day, the DA, and a few other students sent up a few 'Ni's!' whenever they were near the portrait of the knight.


	28. Monkeys!

**"To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.**

Hermione was in a bad mood. A really bad mood. It was her seventh -eighth- year at Hogwarts, and all the Professors were nagging her about what she wanted to do when she left Hogwarts. She had finally had enough.

After class two weeks after the nagging started, she reached her breaking point. She rounded on Professor Flitwick and screamed, "I'M GOING TO CONQUER THE EARTH WITH FLYING MONKEYS LIKE IN THE WIZARD OF OZ!"

She stalked off in an angry huff and didn't pay any mind to the students who were staring at her that heard her.

"I told you she was nutters Harry," Ron said when they went off after her to make sure she was alright.


	29. Holy Death Eaters Batman!

**When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!"**

"Harry!" Hermione screamed as she ran over to him, "There are... Death Eaters... Attacking... Hogwarts!"

Harry turned and saw all the flashing lights, which he assumed were spells hitting people and objects, and looked for his other friends.

"We need to get back to the school! We have to help them!" Ron said, worried about his sister Ginny who had stayed behind to study for her exams with Neville.

"You're right," Harry said, "Guys, this might not exactly be the time, and Ron you won't understand this anyway, but still! TO THE BAT MOBILE ROBIN!"

After saying this, Harry ran off to head back to the castle, and to possibly get away from Hermione who was screaming, "HARRY JAMES POTTER!" and chasing after him waving her wand.


	30. Only One

**When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"**

Harry smiled grimly when he saw Draco Malfoy cower and flee, it was only fitting the asshole would run when it really mattered. Everything was moving in slow motion, and though Harry was moving just as slow as the rest of them, he was somehow able to look at everything around him. There were people fighting and falling and try as he might or want, he couldn't help them all.

He glared around the battlefield in search of the one person he had to get rid of. It was unnerving that Voldemort hadn't shown up yet, but Harry wasn't in a giving up mood. Today it was going to end, and nothing was going to stop him. He knew that he might die before tonight was over, but as long as he took the evil snake-faced bastard with him, he was fine with it.

Suddenly, everything went quite and Harry turned to see what had stopped the madness. He instantly glared, and saw before him the thing that he was supposed to kill. He stopped and pointed his wand toward the sky and shouted as loud as he could, "THERE CAN BE BONLY ONE!" before running at breakneck speed toward the evil snake man that had made his life hell for the past seven years.

–

Suddenly Harry shot out of bed and screamed. Ron was over to his bed in an instant checking for injuries. Harry batted his hand away and sighed before slumping over to the side in a very uncomfortable position.

"It can be only one?" Ron asked.

Harry nodded and groaned, trying to hide his face from embarrassment as Ron started laughing once again amused at his best friend's crazy dreams.

WELL,

IT HAS BEEN FUN. And I really do love you all, and I would love to continue this, but god damn it my stupid thingy deleted the other twenty, so I will have to stop it here.

But, I am working on things, and hopefully I will stay consistent with writing. I just want to get enough chapters written for it to have a weekly update schedule. I am officially gonna whore myself out via this thing. So, if you want to follow my twitter, where mundane things happen, or if you want to follow my tumblr, where other greater things happen, or something, the links to either of those things are on my profile.

Anywho, I love you, you're amazing.

ADIOS!

Lilith G. Astroll


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